On Being Lonely

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Living in Nashville, also known as “Music City,” can create some unique opportunities. Every now and then, I get invited backstage at a concert venue.

One evening, I was invited backstage at the Ryman Auditorium downtown. There, I met a successful artist who has several hit songs and travels worldwide, singing to sold-out, adoring crowds. In our conversation, I asked her what it was like being a performer—especially having reached the level of acclaim that she had. While having fortune and fame may seem glamorous from a distance, she admitted that relating to others chiefly through a microphone, screen, or written page could be a painfully isolating experience. Her response, sadly, is all too common among those who carry the privilege and burden of celebrity.

With a pained look on her face, she told me that being a performer had become a source of sorrow for her. The frequency and pressure of life on the road had caused her marriage to crumble. She felt guilty for being away from her daughter as much as she was. She didn’t have many friends because she no longer knew who she could trust. Did people want to be in her life because they loved her for who she was, or did they just want to use her for her money, her name recognition, the access she has to elite social circles, or the doors she could open up for them? Then she said:

“In about five minutes I am going to walk out on that stage. Thousands of people’s attention will be fixed on me, and they will sing along with all of my songs. Then, tomorrow night I will do it again, and then again and again. You might think, ‘What a life! She’s living the dream!’ But the truth is, being the person on the stage makes me feel like the loneliest person in the room.”

In this vulnerable moment, she was putting into fresh words what God has been saying since the beginning of time: It is not good to be alone. No amount of fans or sold out shows will ever be able to substitute for our need to have friends. It is far better to be known and loved than it is to be followed, tweeted, and applauded. While not a bad thing in itself, this woman’s celebrity had become an inadequate substitute for intimacy and connection. As one song from the Indigo Girls goes, performing—whether from a stage or an athletic field or an executive office or a pulpit—instead of interacting personally, will inevitably lead us to “reap the praise of strangers, and end up on (our) own.”

My backstage friend’s story is the story of us all. Like her, the surface appearance of our lives often presents a more connected, relationally full, emotionally satisfying picture than how things really are. Whether from a stage or behind a pulpit or through a screen, we look a lot more together than what we feel in our hearts. Our performances and profiles betray our reality. We, too, can feel alienated, isolated, and sometimes friendless. The curse that was first pronounced on Eve in the garden—that relationships would be a struggle even under the best conditions—also touches our lives. Isolation can become painfully familiar to us, even at our own dinner tables.

The words of twentieth century novelist Thomas Wolfe resonate…that the central and inevitable fact of human existence is loneliness. Whether we are introverts or extroverts, married or single, standing on the stage or sitting in the cheap seats, preaching sermons or listening to love songs, we all share the struggle to connect.

But why is loneliness a thing?

Why does feeling lonely seem like the norm versus the exception for so many of us? According to the Bible, we experience loneliness not because there is something wrong with us, but because there is something right with us. We experience loneliness because we know, deep down, that we were made for more connection, intimacy, and love than we seem to experience. We sense that this is not how it’s supposed to be. This is true experientially. It is also true theologically.

As the first chapters of Genesis reveal, when God created the universe, he declared it all very good (Genesis 1:1-31). But God still saw something missing with creation—just one thing preventing his perfect world from being complete. “It is not good,” God said, “that the man should be alone” (Genesis 2:18). It is striking that God declared this negative assessment in Paradise… before sin entered the world! God’s perfect world still had one missing piece: Adam had no companions.

Being made in the image of God, we humans are likened to our Lord who is both One and Three—the Triune God of Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. This is one of the great mysteries about God—he is an inseparable, eternal, intimate, and affectionate community. If we, who are made in his image, remain islands unto ourselves, if we keep our relationships on the surface, if we push others away to a safe distance, we will fail to thrive. This is true because we cannot be vitally connected to a God who is One and Three while remaining disconnected relationally from each other. He has made us for community, not for isolation; for interdependence, not independence; for relational warmth and receptivity, not for relational coldness and distance.

The answer God provided for Adam’s loneliness in Paradise was Eve, a come-alongside companion, a “helper corresponding to him”(Genesis 2:18). Scripture reveals high regard and honor for those called “helpers.” In fact, the other main character in Scripture who is given the name “helper” is God as he strengthens, protects and provides for his people. Together, Adam and Eve would share life and serve God’s purposes. “So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them” (Genesis 1:27, 2:18). When Eve is presented to Adam for the first time, Adam’s artistic inclinations surface, and history’s first love poem is composed:

“This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.’ Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.” (Genesis 2:23-25)

This word from God—that it is not good to be alone—is ultimately less about marriage, per se, and more about companionship. Otherwise, we would be forced to conclude that both the apostle Paul and Jesus were incomplete as human beings. And of course, they weren’t.

Even still, both Paul and Jesus recognized that it was not good for them to be alone. Each became deeply tethered to others, nurturing and enjoying an abundance of friends that included both men and women. Paul took traveling companions with him almost everywhere he went. In every town he visited, he developed deep, lasting friendships. Many of these he would mention by name and with great affection in his New Testament letters. As for Jesus, he had twelve intimate, male companions—the disciples—including his most intimate circle of Peter, James and John…plus several women including sisters Mary and Martha, and Mary Magdalene.

If Paul and Jesus needed friends like this, so do we.

This is true because even in Paradise, and even when you are God, it is not good to be alone.

 


Scott’s latest book, A Gentle Answer: Our ‘Secret Weapon’ in an Age of Us-Against-Them
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15 responses to “On Being Lonely”

  1. Robert Phillips says:

    This is a fantastic article! In an era where everything is “about me” which basically degrades companionship to the idea of “what are you doing for me now” – a very superficial and false form of companionship, this article puts into succinct words what I have been try to teach and preach for decades. Thank you!

  2. You, Scott, have become one of my favorite pastor/writers.
    I devour what you say AND sit with it for awhile.
    I love this one especially as I have a 33 yr old daughter who is chronically ill (a disease that will eventually take her life). She seems to be isolating herself. Not sure whether to forward this to her but will pray for sure about it.
    I love that you are probably 20 yrs younger than me and yet God’s annointing of you leads me to pursue Jesus more and more.
    Thank you so much for that.

  3. phillip chetty says:

    Beautifully written my brother .

    Thanks …Phillip …South Africa

  4. […] good, good words, thank you, Scott Sauls: On Feeling Lonely […]

  5. Heather says:

    Thanks for writing about a topic I’ve been dealing with for awhile. It’s strange how common loneliness is, yet how “uncommon” it makes us feel, as though there is something wrong with us, as though we are alone in a pain that no one else could understand. And yet so many of us deal with it. If we could all just start talking about the loneliness, maybe we’d feel less lonely, less odd, less like we have to polish ourselves up for others and put on some sort of strong front. Thank for talking about it and making me feel a little less lonely.

  6. Very well written and totally relevant = ) Now we need a how-to article.

  7. Jackie says:

    Such Grace. Thank you

  8. Paula Nelson says:

    Scott,

    This article gives credence to the fact that you can be in a room full of people and feel alone. Contrarily, you can be by yourself, and with God’s grace, feel fully alive.

    Choosing the people to become close to you is important as well. Fellowship with people in your church and bible study can bring one to a place of joy.

  9. Beth says:

    I needed this today. So much. I ditto the person who said you’ve become one of his favorite authors. I look forward to Wednesdays. I would like to get a book study group together for “A Gentle Answer “.

  10. Doris DeBono says:

    To Paula N.
    Reply to your last 4 lines. Thanks for your comments.

    Sometimes. Church families aren’t always understanding of a fellow Christian’s past journey or where they are now in their journey. Depends on their biblical view; old testament, new testament or just plain ignorance & no Jesus like empathy because they have not endured similar hardships.

    We all need GRACE….fellow Christian’s or non-Christian.

  11. […] On Being Lonely | Scott Sauls — Read on scottsauls.com/blog/2021/07/27/on-being-lonely/ […]

  12. Greg says:

    I can almost feel the loneliness and depression on the part of this famous singer you speak of. Illusions of grandeur, riches and fame before making it big on a Nashville stage would soon be swallowed up with sorrow and strife. The visions we all carry of idols we choose to worship never fail to let us down. And the Bible is clear that when our hearts seek after such dead lifeless idols, our hearts become more callous and cold like them. Even fellow human friendships can become such an idol that will 100% of the time result in a downer. Some psychologists call this codependency. God calls it sin. Of course there are others of us who are so into ourselves, dripping with pride and narcissism who could care less about others or friendships as they themselves too are on the throne! The Bible can be confusing for some because they view it too simplemindedly. God has carefully crafted a revelation that attempts to lovingly knock down the many variations of idols that may on their surface seem like good things, but wrongfully distract us from our very Best: God Himself! The Bible is not confusing. We are confused and sometimes need encouragement to see with spiritual eyes the reality of the need to turn from our selfishness and sin to Another.

    So the Goodnews is that these idols concocted by our sin nature which offer no hope can be displaced by the One who is our hope and by definition is Love! And there will be a time when those who put their hope and trust in Jesus who absorbed God’s wrath on our behalf will shed these sin stained bodies which are running down physically due to the disobedience of the first human, Adam. The America where much of us lives has become so stupid, which majors in the minors, is full of smoke and mirrors if political deceit and is failing on so many levels. I read the news every day almost astounded about the utter imbecility – how our nation’s leaders are almost as if freak of the nature of common sense. The picture is plain. We live in a fallen world where satan is doing great evil and is the liar of all liars. For those of us who are Christians- we will move on from here to a place infinitely better and ruled by a perfect King who can never let us down. He will judge satan and will destroy evil regimes. Those who know Him are not alone in this growingly hostile world. Even one person with Jesus is the super majority over the masses. May the joy in such a hope filled thought trickle down into peoples lives around us in our words and demeanors so that they may too have life. And yes may those of us who are likeminded followers of the Biblical Jesus fellowship and sharpen each other to grow in His grace. Now this is eternal life: that they know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent.
    John 17:3.

  13. J says:

    One of the curses of loneliness is that we feel that we, alone, are lonely while everyone else has deep friendships. Thank you for pointing out that we’re not alone in our loneliness.

  14. […] Originally seen here: On Being Lonely | Scott Sauls […]

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